I have been feeling frumpy lately. It took me over 2 hours to get dressed on Easter... and I didn't like ANYTHING that I tried on. I wasn't even happy with what I ended up wearing in the end. But we all must wear clothes...(or so society seems to think...) I haven't even tried to look good lately because I look in the mirror and a nasty thought comes, "What's the point? You won't look good anyway!"
I have been feeling lame lately. One of my good friends is graduating from college in the next few weeks. Most of my friends have either graduated or are graduating soon. I should be graduating with them. But I'm not. Because I quit college.
I have been feeling undervalued lately. I know that perfection is unattainable, but I have felt like my faults and inability to do certain things has been brought to an uncomfortable light lately. Mostly by myself. I feel like I have done a lot lately, and it just hasn't been enough.
When I stop to think about these things I've been feeling, I also have other feelings.
Yes, I have been feeling frumpy. My body is not what it used to be, and it won't ever be like it was again. But this body grew another human being in it, carried and nurtured itself and another and gave life. I might not fit in my old jeans anymore, I might be saggy or bulgy in new places---but my heart grew bigger in size too. I got a wonderfully, magnificent son out of the experience--and I would have gone through more than what I did to bring him into this world. And lets face it, with a baby as cute as mine, no one is looking at me anyway.
Yes, I have been feeling lame. I didn't graduate, or even finish college. I got married and started a family instead. This is nothing to be ashamed of. I met a fabulous man who makes me happy and adds to my life. I might not have a degree yet. But my husband has furthered an education of myself and the joys of partnership more than any college ever could. And I will get a degree. But right now, I have more important things to do....Wife....Mother...these are great titles too.
Yes, I have been feeling undervalued. Being a mom can be an overwhelming task. Not only am I a mom, I am a daughter, a sister, a wife, a friend, an employee. Working and being a mom is draining---physically, emotionally, psychologically. I wouldn't have it any other way. Okay, maybe I would have it the same way with a LOT more sleep. But I digress. My sweet baby boy can't talk yet. He won't for a while. He can't say thank you, or give me affirmation when I do something right for him. But when he smiles at me or laughs at me...even at 3 in the morning when I am exhausted and will be getting ready for a 9 hour work day in a few hours and he won't go back to sleep...it all seems worth it.
When he grabs my shirt with his tiny hand and lays his head on my chest to sleep, completely content, safe and at peace, I'm not thinking about how I weigh the most I ever have in my life, or that I don't have a college degree. The only thing I'm thinking is how much I love this sweet little boy that is all mine.
It's not easy. I'm not perfect. But I'm a good mom. I try to be a good wife. And that's enough for anyone. And I'm thankful for that. Sometimes you just need to see it all in perspective.
So, if this post has been nothing but a bit of self depreciation, I can at least see the silver lining. And it does put it in perspective for me.
And this sweet, happy face is all that I need!
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